Leave the Flip Flops for the Beach
Keep consistent in your parenting.
Do you feel like you are losing your mind when trying to be gentle or polite with your parenting? You are not alone. I know the world is telling you that polite parenting is THE way to parent, but I am here to tell you something you already know… IT ISN'T WORKING!
Many of the parents I support start out believing that the only way to parent is to model politeness and gently coax their kids into making good choices and getting along in their day. The truth is, it usually doesn't work, and parents end up losing their minds and resorting to Bossy Parenting, which also doesn't work. The flip-flopping between Bossy and Polite is an even bigger disaster.
So I say, STAY STEADY, take the best parts of both approaches, and help your kids make progress that improves your family's fun and function through a balance of correction and connection.
Polite Parenting
This style of parenting often relies on lots of "please," "thank you," "okay?" and "alright?" which may model manners but can blur boundaries. These added words involve suggestions instead of directives.
Polite parents say, "Do you want to clean up?" or "Please, will you clean up?" or "It's time to clean up, okay?" With this approach, it makes kids feel like they are in charge, or at least it gives them the sense that they have a choice in the matter.
I am pretty sure that when it comes to cleaning up, there is no choice. If they make a mess, they need to contribute to the cleanup. So, why are we asking them or suggesting that they clean up?
Why don't we just get clear?
When it comes to things that matter, it benefits kids if parents are more clear-cut from the start.
Cut off the question and suggestion words and get to the point so you can get on with the fun and function of your day. Say, "It's time to clean up (PAUSE) so we can go to the pool!" or "Kids who clean up (PAUSE) are kids who can go to the beach."
Parents try to be gentle or polite for so long and then lose it, flipping over to screaming at the kids. This flip-flop usually occurs because the parents realize that they have allowed the kid to take advantage of the suggestions and questions. So, the parent tries desperately to regain total control. The extreme shift from gentle to total control turns out to be a complete flip-flop.
Now the kids are confused because, suddenly, with all of your questions and suggestions, you are acting like you rule the roost when, initially, you told them they were in charge.
So, what is the alternative that parents often lean on?
Bossy Parenting
This parenting style often relies on yelling and constant correction, leaving children feeling like they must constantly please their parents to succeed. It comes across as combative and critical, with little focus on understanding the child's needs.
Bossy parents use broad, demanding directives like,
"Your room is a mess. Clean it up now!"
They end up expecting compliance without teaching or modeling expectations. This sets kids up for failure, as they have to try to read their parents' minds. The result is overwhelm: kids don't know where to start, so they often avoid the task or default to fussing or whining. It's as if they think that after so much whining and screaming about the task, the gentle and polite parent will return—and often, that's precisely what happens. The parent gets sick of the negotiating and fuss and ends up skipping the follow-through to make the task happen. It's just easier not to push the child through the suffering, and they second-guess their expectations and do the task for the child or move on to the next thing, avoiding the work altogether.
The cycle continues.
The Best of Both Approaches: A Balanced Style
What’s the best part of Polite Parenting?
Connection
The connection part of polite or gentle parenting is excellent, but you don't have to connect all the time, especially not in the moment you are giving directives.
Make sure you're consistently connecting with your kids throughout the day. When it's time to give a command—which you will need to do—compliance comes more easily because your child knows you're attuned to them and their needs.
However, you can't connect all day long. When it's time for directives, it's not the moment to be fluffy or playful, filled with questions and suggestions. It's time to get things done—so be clear, direct, and consistent in your follow-through. You are the author of the rules, and it's okay and necessary that you rule this roost.
What’s the best part of Bossy Parenting?
Clear-Cut Phrasing
When parents speak in short and clear language, they avoid excessive suggestions and questioning. They ensure that kids understand that parents mean what they say and that they are truly in charge of the home. Gentle or Polite parents usually avoid this because they don't want to be a Because I Said So Parent (as John Rosemond calls it). But having a clear director of the home makes kids feel safe.
What usually happens is that gentle and polite parents wait until they are totally at their wits' end to get clear and bold in their stance. With a harsher tone, the parent often uses sharp, precise commands, and the directives come out with a bitter or angry tone.
Instead, use that same clarity from the beginning before you've lost your temper. Your kids will respond just as well as they do when you shout. In other words, you need to set the tone that you are the boss from minute one, not when you are at the end of your rope. When you set the tone to be clear from the start, you don't have to be bossy to be the boss. There's a difference between being the boss and being bossy, and that difference emits the balance, safety, and order that your kids are begging for.
You can read more about this in my book, Child In Bloom Excerpt #17, Parenting Flip Flops, page 49.
For more small parenting shifts that create big changes in kids, order my book: Child in Bloom: Practical Advice for Parenting Through the Growing Years
Who wrote this?
I am Dr. Renee Mattson, a licensed intervention specialist with 30+ years of experience presenting and coaching in schools, homes, & university settings. All my knowledge and wisdom is in my book: Child in Bloom: Practical Advice for Parenting Through the Growing Years. I know 1st hand that small shifts in adult behavior can lead to big, lasting changes in kids, which is what this newsletter is about—sharing small parenting shifts that create big changes in kids. Read more.