Parent Response: A Quick Bit on Biting
See how parents and their kids can take ideas and make them BLOOM!
If you’ve read my post A Quick Bit on Biting , you might be curious to find out what happened next.
Here’s how it went…
I received a text from the parent a few days later, and they let me know they implemented the idea of helping their daughter come up with FUNCTIONAL OPTIONS to change her day. Mom replied and said, “It’s working 100% !”
Here’s a picture of the visual storyline (MODEL)
Here is mom’s response…
After we connected with you, we walked through this scenario on our whiteboard with our daughter. We started by saying:
“Riding a bike can be tons of fun, but riding a bike means that sometimes you might fall.”
“When we fall, it might hurt, but even if we are hurt, we CANNOT hurt other people.” Then we paused and spent some time talking about how falling off the bike can really hurt. We could tell she knew how bad it hurt to fall off the bike. We stayed there in that feeling for a bit.
Next, I reinforced, ”We cannot bite.” This is where we wrote BITE at the top of the page and put a slash through it.
I knew she wouldn’t want to do the exercise of coming up with different options, so I said in the firm, clear, and encouraging CHILD IN BLOOM parenting voice, “We are going to come up with other ideas about what you CAN do when you fall.”
I was hoping she might come up with an idea to get us started, but that was wishful thinking. So, I came up with one. I started with twirling because it is something she loves.
The OPTIONS (for replacing biting)
#1: Twirl around in Circles until the pain goes away. (Twirling is one of her favorite things to do.)
#2. Run home to my yard or run to the nearest adult
#3. PAUSE and Yell, “AHHH!”
She chose Twirling and has been using it ever since!
Biting is not an option anymore.
Mom’s Reflection and Child in Bloom Responses
Mom: This requires some diligence on my part.
Child in Bloom: YES! Parenting and teaching are Hard Work that takes effort and focus.
Mom: Right now, I need to be around more so I can be there when it happens. I want her to see that these new options are reliable until she is practiced enough to regulate on her own.
Child in Bloom: Yes! The practice parts of teaching are so crucial. These are the times when kids learn as they make mistakes (and you learn too). It's normal to make mistakes when we start practicing or implementing a new skill, so it helps to have scaffolds (or parental support) nearby to fill in our early-stage gaps.
Mom: Being present, I mean really present and not preoccupied (no side conversations with other moms, no phone to distract me, no focus on other kids), is very necessary to make this work. I found that I was distracted to a fault, and when she needed me, I wasn't paying attention and didn't even know what she was asking for at that moment.
Child in Bloom: Take heart; these times will come and go quickly. You will not be in this practice mode forever. You will once again be able to check your phone when they are busy riding bikes. You will once again be able to connect to the other adults, but right now, you are in TEACHER mode, and that means you need to be on alert, ready to support as needed.
Keep in mind, this is a balance. We don't want the child to think we are stopping the world for them, and we also want to practice not being overly responsive to the point that they don't develop self-solution and self-regulation. So, fade your support gradually as you see them beginning to survive the trials and tribulations of their day. Then, bump up the praise and encouragement, noting how they changed their outcomes by changing their responses.
For more small parenting shifts that create big changes in kids, order my book: Child in Bloom: Practical Advice for Parenting Through the Growing Years
Who wrote this?
I am Dr. Renee Mattson, a licensed intervention specialist with 30+ years of experience presenting and coaching in schools, homes, & university settings. All my knowledge and wisdom is in my book: Child in Bloom: Practical Advice for Parenting Through the Growing Years. I know 1st hand that small shifts in adult behavior can lead to big, lasting changes in kids, which is what this newsletter is about—sharing small parenting shifts that create big changes in kids. Read more.